3. Relationship White Belts

Happy Tuesday!

Students in the martial arts are usually given different colored belts to signify their skill level. Black belts are the most skilled and white belts are for beginners. In my experience there are two types of white belts.

• Brand new, fresh white belts who know nothing, know they know nothing, and are eager to learn more.
• Slightly less new white belts who have had a couple of lessons, maybe sparred a few times, and now think they're bonafide killers compared to the general population.

When it comes to relationships a lot of us fall in the second category.

For many years I was the second type of white belt. Throughout my life I had lots of friends, work colleagues, a few romantic relationships, and "sparred" with various people, mostly other white belts.

I figured that since I had all this life experience interacting with other people I must know a thing or two about relationships.

And just to be absolutely clear here, I'm talking about all kinds of relationships - friendships, romantic relationships, family relationships, work relationships etc.

I spent most of my life believing I knew what it meant to be a good friend, a good partner, a good brother, son, colleague etc. and then something would happen, a conflict would occur, and it would become blindingly obvious, only to an outside observer of course, that really I had no clue what I was doing.

Because as most of us know, hopefully even at the white belt level, that one important measure of your abilities (in martial arts and relationships) is your ability to navigate conflict.

Who are you when things are hard? What are you like when a relationship is put under stress?

I tend to flail and fumble around quite a bit when put to the test.

I tend to use the same few moves I learned in the intro classes (i.e. from my parents) plus a few I've picked up along the way (i.e. from other white belt friends).

And these work well enough for the most part. I've mostly mastered the basics. The problem is that I'm still a white belt.

Where the metaphor starts to fall apart is that there is one very important difference between martial arts and relationships.

In martial arts there's always a coach, a sensei, a teacher who not only exemplifies mastery but helps to guide students through well defined levels of development. After the white belt you move to the blue belt, and then to the purple etc.

When it comes to relationships, on the other hand, unless we are very lucky, most of us are taught almost nothing.

Particularly when it comes to romantic ones, most of us are just thrown into the world and it is assumed that we'll just kinda figure it all out.

Wiser women and men than me have emphasized how important relationships are in your life, how they are the cornerstone of our wellness and happiness. From personal experience I know that my relationships with my family, my partner, my friends and colleagues, largely dictate my quality of life. Being in relationship, in community, is the essence of life, the core of being human.

So how come no one ever teaches you how to be good at them?!

It is assumed we should just know how to skillfully navigate the most critical component of our life. That we should understand things "naturally".

In our culture there is this idea that to formally discuss or teach relationship dynamics is taboo. It feels awkward, uncomfortable.

Like do we really have to talk about this? Shouldn't it just be obvious?

But it's not. We all know it's not.

Relationships are hard but they are also a skill. Getting good at them is something we can learn. How do I know this?

Because I've met relationship blackbelts before and it's a unique and powerful kind of experience. Because there are a lot of really smart people that have dedicated their entire lives to studying relationships and these people have written volumes of books on the subject.

So why don't we study relationships? Why don't we practice them? We do so few of us find a coach, or a sensei, to help us earn the next belt? Why do we traditionally neglect making a conscious investment in developing our abilities?

I'm not really sure I know the answer.

Although I'm admittedly still a white belt, I also realize that creating and maintaining strong relationships is a skill and I'm doing my best to consciously invest in the development of that skill.

What might it mean for your life if you were to do the same?

Cheers,

Nick