This is from my weekly email newsletter but I republish it here for sharing and referencing. If you're not already a subscriber you can join below:
Happy Tuesday!
How would you describe your conversational style? Are you a fun person to talk to? Do you have lots of interesting stories and anecdotes? Can you tell a good joke?
We all like to believe that other people enjoy spending time with us, that we have a lot to offer from our own experience, and that we're generally interesting.
Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where it's really important that another person like us, either because we're trying to make a new friend, build a business relationship, or establish a romantic connection.
In these situations a lot of us try really hard to "be interesting" to the other person, to "be impressive" in some way or another.
We all have that friend who is the life of the party, makes everyone laugh, always has good stories etc. They're fun and likable so we try to imitate that behavior.
But a lot of us struggle with this, we'll tell a joke that others don't even realize is supposed to be a joke. We tell stories with no clear ending or point, more like rambling descriptions of things that happened once. We make cultural references that are too obscure or strange. We forget key names and details right in the middle.
So what are these types of people supposed to do? Those of us who got a half helping of social charisma.
In my experience, in social situations, parties, dinners, networking events etc. there are three roles that people can play:
Entertainers are the most visible, charismatic types who others tend to gravitate towards. Entertainers have different styles. Some tell great stories, other's are more like the class clown. They thrive in groups and they generate social energy. It feels good to be an entertainer, even if just for a moment.
We've all been Survivors at one point or another. In this role we're struggling to contribute something to the conversation. The defining feature of the survivor is that they're spending most of their time thinking about what they should do or say next and whether or not they even want to be there at all.
The Facilitator focuses outward. They engage with the entertainers, ask good questions, steer the conversation, encourage others to contribute. They laugh at jokes and find commonalities between themselves and others. The entertainers need the facilitators to thrive. Without the facilitator, the entertainer has no platform.
People who spend a lot of time playing the survivor are usually trying to spend more time in the entertainer role or feel like they should be better entertainers.
This is the danger zone. Trying to jump from survivor to entertainer is usually how people end up falling flat on their face and saying stupid things.
A better strategy is to get comfortable in the facilitator role. Give up trying to be interesting and be interested. Make whoever you are talking to the entertainer. Help them feel interesting. This is actually what everyone else really wants.
The reality is that most of the people you're talking to are playing the survivor role as well. They don't want to be entertained as much as they want to feel like the entertainer.
To be a better facilitator ask specific questions about whatever someone is saying as opposed to general questions. This requires you to actually listen :)
When meeting new people ask about their interests, not their titles. If you're trying to network with a business executive you're probably better off talking about their hobbies than their business.
Ask questions like:
Never cut someone off.
So for all you survivors out there, I see you. I feel you. Don't stress about being interesting. At the end of the day, most other people are survivors too and if you can make them feel interesting instead you'll make way more friends and connections.
Cheers,
Nick