Big Ideas

Lessons in the art of negotiation by a former FBI hostage negotiator told through stories of real hostage negotiations. Not only are the lessons highly applicable to business and relationships but it's just a fun read. You'll learn a lot about the history of the FBIs approach to hostage negotiations and get to read about some pretty wild stories about actual FBI cases from around the world.

I found that the following ideas most interest in terms of applicability to business negotiations and relationships:

• Good negotiators are able to navigate the emotional landscape of their counterparts, logic and reason are secondary. Real life isn't debate club.
• Learning to identify and truly understand the other person's perspective and emotional reasoning is critical. The only way to do this is to listen. The better listener will be better able to guide the negotiation in their own interest.
• There are some simple techniques which can be used to help your counterpart offer more information, help them feel understood, and to push them towards coming up with solutions on their own. Ultimately, the best solution is the solution that you want that they also generated on their own and proposed to you.
• Anchoring and preparing numbers in advance of price negotiations is extremely powerful.
• Getting your counterpart to say 'No' to proposals is actually a useful tool for helping them feel safe, in control and establish clear boundaries.

Notes

The New Rules

• The negotiation system of the day proposed using a rational and joint problem solving mindset
• Four basic tenets

1. "separate the person - the emotion - from the problem"
2. "don't get wrapped up in the other side's position (what they're asking for) but instead focus on their interests (why they're asking for it) so that you can find what they really want
3. "work cooperatively to generate win-win options"
4. "establish mutually agreed-upon standards for evaluating those possible solutions"

• Sounds good right? Unfortunately this approach supposed people think rationally, a premise that Amos Tversky and Daniel Kahneman have all but completely disproved
• Unsurprisingly the logical approach wasn't working for the FBI
• "We were needed were simple psychological tactics and strategies that worked in the field to calm people down, establish rapport, gain trust, elicit the verbalization of needs, and persuade the other guy of our empathy. We needed something easy to teach, easy to learn, and easy to execute."
• Therefore the FBI turned to using techniques from Psychotherapy
• "It all starts with the universally applicable premise that people want to be understood and accepted. Listening is the cheapest, yet most effective concession we can make get there. By listening intensely, a negotiator demonstrates empathy and shows a sincere desire to better understand what the other side is experiencing.
• " The whole concept, which you'll learn as the centerpiece of this book, is called Tactical Empathy. This is listening as a martial art, balancing the subtle behaviors of emotional intelligence and the assertive skills of influence, to gain access to the mind of another person."
• "The first step to achieving a mastery of daily negotiation is to get over your aversion to negotiating. You don't need to like it; you just need to understand that's how the world works. Negotiating doesn't mean browbeating or grinding someone down. It simply means playing the emotional game that human society is set up for."

Be A Mirror

• "Your goal at the outset is to extract and observe as much information as possible."
• "Great negotiators are able to question the assumptions that the rest of the involved players accept on faith or in arrogance, and thus remain more emotionally open to all possibilities, and more intellectually agile to a fluid situation."
• "Most people approach a negotiation so preoccupied by the arguments that support their position that they are unable to listen attentively."
• "The goal is to identify what your counterparts actually need (monetarily, emotionally, or otherwise) and get them feeling safe enough to talk and talk and talk some more about what they want."
• "But neither wants nor needs are where we start;  it begins with listening, making it about the other people, validating their emotions, and creating enough trust and safety for a real conversation to begin."
• "Going too fast is one of the mistakes all negotiators are prone to making."
• "The most powerful tool in any verbal communication is your voice."
• Three voice tones available
• ~Late-night FM DJ voice
• ~Positive/Playful voice
• ~Direct/Assertive voice
• "Most of the time you should be using the positive/playful voice. It's the voice of an easygoing, good-natured person."
• "For the FBI, a "mirror" is when you repeat the last threw words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said. Of the entirety of the FBIs hostage negotiation skill set, mirroring is the closest one gets to a Jedi mind trick. Simple, and yet uncannily effective."
• "By repeating back what people say, you trigger this mirroring instinct and your counterpart will inevitably elaborate on what was just said and sustain the process of connecting."

Key Lessons

• "The language of negotiation is primarily a language of conversation and rapport: a way of quickly establishing relationships and getting people to talk and think together."
• "Don't commit to assumptions; instead, view them as hypothesis and use the negotiation to test them rigorously."
• Negotiation is not a battle of arguments where you win by providing a better argument. "The goal is to uncover as much information as possible."
• "Make your sole and all-compassing focus the other person and what they have to say."
• "Slow it down"
• "Put a smile on your face."
• Three voice types
• ~Late night FM DJ: Use selectively to make a point
• ~Positive/playful voice: default
• ~Direct or assertive: use rarely, will cause problems and create pushback
• "Mirrors work magic."

Don't Feel Their Pain, Label it

• "Tactical empathy is understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment and also hearing what is behind those feelings so you can increase your influence in all the moments that following. It's bringing our attention to both the emotional obstacles and the potential pathways to getting an agreement done."
• "Labeling is a way of validating someone's emotion by acknowledging it. Give someone's emotion a name and you show you identify with how that person feels."
• Labels typically use the same words:
• ~"It seems like ..."
• ~"It sounds like ... "
• ~"It looks like ... "
• Labeling should be a neutral statement of understanding.
• "The last rule of labeling is silence." After you label something shut up and listen to what the other person has to say.

Key Lessons

• "Think of [the tools of tactical empathy] as extensions of natural human interactions and not artificial conversational tactics."
• "These tools, then, are nothing less than emotional best practices ... They will help you connect and create more meaningful and warm relationships."
• "Imagine yourself in your counterparts situation."
• "The reasons why a counterpart will not make an agreement with you are often more powerful than why the will make a deal, so focus first on clearing the barriers to agreement."
• "Pause. After you label a barrier or mirror a statement, let it sink in."
• "Label your counterparts fears to diffuse their power."
• "List the worst things that the other party could say about you and say them before the other person can."
• "Remember, you're dealing with a person who wants to be appreciated and understood. So use labels to reinforce and encourage positive perceptions and dynamics."

Beware "Yes"

• "Extracting information means betting the other party to feel safe and in control. And while it may sound contradictory, the way to get there is by getting the other party to disagree, to draw their own boundaries, to define their desires as a function what they do not want."
• "Break the habit of attempting to get people to say 'yes'. Being pushed for 'yes' makes people defensive."
• "'No' is not a failure. We have learned that 'No' is the anti-'Yes' and therefore a word to be avoided at all costs. But it really often just means "Wait" or "I'm not comfortable with that." Learn how to hear it calmly. It's not the end of the negotiation, but the beginning."
• "'Yes' is the final goal of a negotiation, but don't aim for it at the start."
• "Saying 'No' makes the speaker feel safe, secure and in control, so trigger it. By saying what they don't want, your counterpart defines their space and gains the confidence and comfort to listen to you."
• "Negotiate in their world. Persuasion is not about how bright or smooth or forceful you are. It's about the other party convincing themselves that the solution you want is their own idea. So don't beat them with logic or brute force. Ask them questions that open paths to your goals."
• "If a potential business partner is ignoring you, contact them with a clear and concise "No" - oriented question that suggests that you are ready to walk away."

Trigger the Two Words That Immediately Transform Any Negotiation

• "That's right" (said by your counterpart) and NOT "You're Right", there's a big difference
• "The moment you've convinced someone that you truly understand her dreams and feelings (the whole world that she inhabits), mental and behavioral change become possible, and the foundation for a breakthrough has been laid."
• "The more a person feels understood, and positively affirmed in that understanding, the more likely that urge for constructive behavior will take hold."
• "'That's right', is better than 'yes'. Strive for it."
• "Use a summary to trigger a 'that's right'. The building blocks of a good summary are a label combined with paraphrasing. Identify, rearticulate, and emotionally affirm 'the world according to ...'"

Bend Their Reality

• "All negotiations are defined by a network of subterranean desires and needs. Don't let yourself by fooled by the surface."
• "Splitting the difference is wearing on black and one brown shoe, so don't compromise. Meeting halfway often leads to bad deals for both sides."
• "Approaching deadlines entice people to rush the negotiating process and do impulsive things that are against their better interests."
• The F-word - "Fair" - is an emotional term people usually exploit to put the other side on the defensive and gain concessions. When your counterpart drops the F-bomb, don't get suckered into a concession. Instead ask them to explain you're mistreating them."
• "You can bend your counterpart's reality by anchoring his starting point. Before you make an offer, emotionally offer them by saying how bad it will be. When you get to numbers, set an extreme anchor to make your "real" offer seem reasonable, or us e a range to seem less aggressive. The real value of anything depends on what vantage point you're looking at it from."
• "People will take more risks to avoid a loss than to realize a gain. Make sure your counterpart sees that there is something to lose by inaction."

Create the Illusion of Control

• "Who has control in a conversation, the guy listening or the guy talking? The listener, of course. That's because the talker is revealing information while the listener, if he's trained well, is directing the conversation towards his own goals."
• "Don't try to force your opponent to admit that you are right. Aggressive confrontation is the enemy of constructive negotiation."
• "Avoid questions that can be answered with 'Yes' or tiny pieces of information. These require little thought and inspire the human need for reciprocity; you will be expected to give something back."
• "Ask calibrated questions that start with the words "How" or "What". By implicitly asking the other party for help, these questions will give your counterpart an illusion of control and will inspire them to speak at length, revealing important information."
• "Don't ask questions that start with 'Why' unless you want your counterpart to defend a goal that serves you. 'Why' is always an accusation, in any language."
• "Calibrate your questions to point your counterpart toward solving your problem. This will encourage them to expend their energy on devising a solution."
• "Bite your tongue. When you're attacked in a negotiation, pause and avoid angry emotional reactions. Instead, ask your counterpart a calibrated question."
• "There's always a team on the other side. If you are not influencing those behind the table, you are vulnerable."

Guarantee Execution

• "'Yes' is nothing without 'How'. Asking 'How', knowing 'How', and defining 'How' are all part of the effective negotiators arsenal."
• "Ask calibrated 'How' questions, and ask them again and again. Asking 'How' keeps your counterparts engaged but off balance. Answering the questions will give them the illusion of control."
• "Use 'How' questions to shape the negotiating environment. You do this by using 'How an I do that?' as a gentle version of 'No'. This will subtly push your counterpart to search for other solutions - your solutions."
• "Don't just pay attention to the people you're negotiating with directly; always identify the motivations of the players 'behind the table'. You can do so by asking how a deal will affect everybody else and how on board they are."
• "Follow the 7-38-55 Percent Rule by paying close attention to the tone of voice and body language. Incongruence between the words and nonverbal signs will show when your counterpart is lying or uncomfortable with a deal."
• ~7% of a message is based on the words
• ~38% percent comes from tone of voice
• ~55% from the speaker's body language
• "Is the 'Yes' real or counterfeit? Test it with the Rule of Three: use calibrated questions, summaries and labels to get your counterpart to reaffirm their agreement at least three times. It's really hard to repeatedly lie or fake conviction."
• "A person's use of pronouns offers deep insights into his or her relative authority."
• ~Excessive use of 'I', 'me' and 'my' probably means the power lies elsewhere
• ~More use of 'we', 'they' and 'them' means you're more "likely dealing with a savvy decision maker trying to keep his options open."
• "Humor and humanity are the best ways to break the ice and remove roadblocks."

Bargain Hard

• "Top negotiators know, however, that conflict is often the path to great deals."
• "Conflict brings out truth, creativity, and resolution."
• "Identify your counterpart's negotiating style. Once you know whether they are Accommodator, Assertive or Analyst, you'll know the correct way to approach them.
• Analysts
• ~Methodological and diligent, not in a rush, skeptical by nature
• ~"Asking too many questions to start is a bad idea, because they're not going to want to answer until they understand all the implications."
• ~"It's vital to be prepared. use clear data to drive your reason; don't ad-lib; ... focus on the facts; warn them of issues early; and avoid surprises."
• ~"Silence to them is an opportunity to think."
• Accommodator
• ~"The most important thing to this type of negotiator is the time spent building the relationship."
• ~"If you're their counterpart, be sociable and friendly. Listen to them talk about their ideas and use calibrated questions focused specifically on implementation to nudge them along and find ways to translate their talk into action."
• ~"Uncovering their objections may be difficult."
• ~They're more likely to agree to something they can't deliver and they're more likely to leave contentious or critical areas unaddressed
• Assertive
• ~Focus is all about getting things done, and quickly.
• ~Aggressive communication style, direct and candid.
• ~"Most of all, the Assertive wants to be heard. And not only do they want to be heard, but they don't actually have the ability to listen to you until they know that you've heard them."
• ~"When you're dealing with Assertive types, it's best to focus on what they have to say, because once they are convinced you understand them, then and only then will they listen for your point of view."
• "Get ready to take a punch. Kiss-ass negotiators usually lead with an extreme anchor to knock you off your game."
• "Set boundaries and learn to take a punch or punch back, without anger. The guy across the table is not the problem; the situation is."
• "Prepare an Ackerman plan. ... You'll need a plan of extreme anchor, calibrated questions, and well defined offers. Remember: 65, 85, 95, 100 percent. Decreasing raises and ending on nonround numbers will get your counterpart to believe that's squeezing you for all you're worth.
• ~Set your target price (your goal)
• ~Set your first offer at 65 percent of your target price
• ~Calculate three raises of decreasing increments to (85,95,100)
• ~Use lots of empathy and different ways of saying 'No' to get the other side to counter before you increase your offer.
• ~When calculating the final amount, use precise, nonround numbers. It gives the number creditability and weight.
• ~On your final number, throw in a non-monetary item (that they probably don't want) to show you're at your limit.

Find the Black Swan

• "What we don't know can kill us or our deals."
• "Finding the Black Swans - those powerful unknown unknowns - is intrinsically difficult, however, for the reason that we don't know the questions to ask.
• Techniques to find them:
• ~"Let what you know - your known knowns - guide you but not blind you." Stay flexible and adataptable.
• ~Black Swans are leverage multipliers.
• ~~Positive leverage - the ability to give someone what they want
• ~~Negative leverage - the ability to hurt someone
• ~~Normative leverage - using your counterparts norms to bring them around
• ~"Work to understand the other side's 'religion'. Digging into worldviews inherently implies moving beyond the negotiating table and into the life, emotional and otherwise, of your counterpart. That's where Black Swans life."
• ~"Review everything you hear from your counterpart. You will not hear everything the first time, so double check."
• ~"Exploit the similarity principle. People are more apt to concede to someone they share a cultural similarity with."
• ~"When someone seems irrational or crazy, they most likely aren't. Faced with this situation, search for constraints, hidden desires, and bad information."
• ~"Get face time with your counterpart."
• ~"Pay special attention to your counterparts verbal and nonverbal communication at unguarded moments - at the beginning and the end of the session or when someone says something out of line."