Big Ideas

An absolute gem. The book provides a simple (although not easy) framework for interacting with other people and for navigating the social world.

Careful readers will notice that it's not just about getting what you want out of other people but rather it's a tactical guide to building and strengthening relationships. It's about leadership and how to empower and coach others. Using historical and contemporary examples Carnegie illustrates how the application of simple principles can help people to transform their business, their marriages, and their relationships with their children and friends.

Carnie explains that all people share the following:

• All people want to feel important, feel valued, feel respected and heard.
• Humans are emotional beings and not rational ones.
• Most people spend most of their time thinking and worrying about themselves, their wishes, desires, fears, problems etc.
  

Therefore the best way to interact with other people is in accordance with their nature:

• Always take the perspective of the other as a starting point.
• Be compassionate and help people feel important, valued and give them respect.
• Be authentic and interested in other people as they are interested in themselves.
  

If you can do these things you will be able to build stronger relationships, live a richer more interesting life, and help other people while helping yourself as well.

Notes

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1. "If You Want to Gather Honey, Don't Kick Over the Beehive"

• Don't criticize, condemn or complain
• "Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a persons's precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment."
• "When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity."
• "Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving."
• "Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them. Let's try to figure out why they do what they do. That's a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness.

2. The Big Secrets of Dealing with People

• Give honest and sincere appreciation

3. "He Who Can Do This Has The Whole World with Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way"

• Arouse in the other person an eager want
• "The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it."

Six Ways to Make People Like You

1. Do This and You'll be Welcome Anywhere

• Become genuinely interested in other people
• "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you"
• Alfred Adler - "It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring."

2. A simple way to make a good first impression

• Smile
• "The expression one wears on one's face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one's back".

3. If you don't do this you are headed for trouble

• Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language

4. An easy way to become a good conversationalist

• Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
• "Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.

5. How to Interest People

• Talk in terms of the other person's interests

6. How to make people like you instantly

• Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely
• "Always make the other person feel important"
• "You want the approval of those with whom you come in contact. You want recognition of your true worth. You want a feeling that you are important in your little world. You don't want to listen to cheap, insincere flattery, but you do crave sincere appreciation."

How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1. You Can't Win an Argument

• The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
• How to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument
• ~Welcome the disagreement
• ~Distrust your first instinctive impression
• ~Control your temper
• ~Listen first
• ~Look for areas of agreement
• ~Be honest
• ~Promise to thin over your opponents ideas and study them carefully
• ~Thank your opponents for their interest
• ~Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem

2. A Sure Way of Making Enemies - and How to Avoid It

• Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're Wrong"

3. If you're Wrong, Admit it

• If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically

4. A Drop of Honey

• Begin in a friendly way

5. The Secret of Socrates

• Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately

6. The Saftey Valve in Handling Complaints

• Let the other person do a great deal of the talking

7. How to Get Cooperation

• Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers

8. A Formula that will work wonders for you

• Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
• "Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don't think so. Don't condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that."

9. What Everybody Wants

• Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires
• Magic Phrase: "I don't blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do."

10. An Appeal That Everybody Likes

• Appeal to nobler motives

11. The Movies DO It. TV Does it. Why Don't You Do it?

• Dramatize your ideas.

12.When Nothing Else Works, Try This

• Throw down a challenge

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

1. If You Must Find Fault, This Is the Way to Begin

• Begin with praise and honest appreciation

2. How to Criticize - and Not Be Hated for It

• Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly

3. Talk About Your Own Mistakes First

• Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person

4. No One Likes to Take Orders

• Ask questions instead of giving direct orders

5. Let the Other Person Save Face

• Let the other person save face
• "Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face."

6. How to spur people on to success

• Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "heart in your approbation and lavish in your praise."

7. Give a Dog a Good Name

• Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to

8. Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct

• Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

9. Making the People Glad to Do What You Want

• Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
• A leader should consider the following when trying to change attitudes or behavior
• ~Be sincere
• ~Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do
• ~Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.
• ~Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
• ~Match those benefits to the other's person's wants.
• ~When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.